Why Are Men Lonely, and How Can We Fix It? n
There's an epidemic of male loneliness in the United States. A 2021 Cigna study found that an astounding 57% of men report being lonely. According to an American Perspectives Survey, almost 20 percent of American men say they don't have any close friends.
How does this loneliness manifest? Men who are lonely often struggle to be fully present in the moment; instead, they chase dopamine hits and entertainment to try to distract from the gaping void they feel inside of them. This can look like addiction to drugs or alcohol or pornography. 65 percent of young men report watching porn at least once per week, and 20 percent of men even said they watch porn at work. It can also look like workaholism; many men hope that the next promotion or attaboy from a client or boss will make them feel connected. Other men doomscroll or chase Likes on social media in order to try to escape the perceived emptiness of their internal landscape.
What's Driving This Epidemic?
One key cause of men's rising loneliness is that men are increasingly disconnected from their authentic selves. In the United States, boys are conditioned to love X but not Y, to do A but not B. For instance, many boys won't even ask a girl out because they're told it's presumptuous. Similarly, boys are increasingly discouraged from pursuing careers such as police work or military service. At the same time, men face tremendous social pressure to rise to the top of the corporate ladder even if this is not their true calling. This societal conditioning distracts us from our internal GPS system. As humans, we often know deep down what we are called to do with our lives and how our authentic self should be acting; but social conditioning crowds out that still small voice with a chorus of, "Thou Shalt Do (or Not Do) XYZ."
According to researchers at Science of People, "Isolation is being by yourself. Loneliness is not liking it.” When we get disconnected from our authentic selves, all that's left is a huge gap between an internally referenced “comfortable in my own skin” type of feeling a lot of the time versus just feeling bored and “is this all there is?!” We get stuck in our heads, in the hall of mirrors between our ears. Geoff has worked with many men who feel lonely because they don't truly know themselves. In the same way that a man can be lonely in a marriage if he and his wife barely speak, we often feel lonely when we lack a genuine connection to our highest selves.
Another reason that many men lack this genuine connection is that our societal metrics for success are all external: get a high-paying job, find a wife, have kids. Those aren't bad things, but as a result of these metrics, we're often not taught how to connect to our internal landscape and guidance. We neglect the internal to focus on the external metrics that we're told matter more.
The second cause of men's loneliness is related: inauthenticity. People who are lonely often don't like themselves very much and don't think they have much to offer. As such, when they do go out and try to make friends, they often adopt a mask. But even if this mask works to make friends, those new friends don't like you; they like your mask. When you make friends this way it doesn't alleviate the loneliness, because there's no genuine connection.
How Can Men Become Less Lonely?
As a men's and relationship coach of 27 years, Geoff has helped hundreds of men to develop a deeper connection to themselves and the world. Here are four strategies that he's seen consistently work.
First, reconnect to your purpose. Deep down, you know what you're being called to do or at least what you would like to do with your life. Find that, and start doing it. Geoff has worked with men whose loneliness vanished just from reconnecting to their purpose. If you don't know your purpose, meditation is a great way to quiet the outside world so you can hear the still small voice inside of you. Another resource that could help a man get clarity about his purpose is Parker J. Palmer’s book, “Let Your Life Speak.”
Second, get in touch with whatever higher power (or higher consciousness) you believe in or would like to connect to. This can be God, Spirit, or simply your highest self; it's path-agnostic. A deep connection to this spiritual source can help you get out of your head and into your soul. It's hard to feel lonely when you have a strong connection to the joy and peace and love of your higher self and/or a higher power that you feel very drawn to..
Third, do the work to understand your internal landscape. Don't just try to understand the light inside of you; understand the darkness too. Practice radical honesty and self-inquiry. Take responsibility for your life; if you're suffering, stop blaming other people and start looking for what you can do to improve your situation. Be the man you'd be proud to see in the mirror. In the same way that a deep and honest relationship with others can cure loneliness, so can a deep and honest relationship with yourself.
Fourth, cultivate authentic relationships with other men. This doesn't just mean men you go to a sports bar with, though those relationships are valuable. Find men you can be real with. Find men who truly see you and who are truly seen by you. Joining a men's group (such as the ones Geoff runs, or those run by the ManKind Project) can be a good way to cultivate these relationships.
Like most societal problems, this loneliness epidemic can only be solved at the level of the individual. If you're struggling, it is up to you to do the hard work to fix it; no-one else can do it for you. It may not be easy. But it is worth it.