Understanding Ego Through the Lens of Addiction
What is the ego, and why is it so limiting (for ourselves, as well as for those we care about and even society at large) when we spend time in an egoically-dominated state? Lots of spiritual teachers have answered that question. But their descriptions can sometimes live in the clouds. Buddhists call the ego the "hungry ghost." Eckhart Tolle calls it the "pain body." Pastor Jamie Winship calls it the "false self." These descriptions are very true, and can speak powerfully and intuitively to many people. But because of their amorphous nature, they can also leave spiritual seekers of a certain more nuts-and-bolts mindset wanting.
In this blog we're going to do something different. We're going to look at two specific, concrete ways that the ego manifests, how it looks, and how it feels. We're going to be doing this through the lens of addiction.
Before we begin, it's worth noting that we agree with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and other addiction-help organizations that addiction is an illness. In The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous' primary text, the authors refer to alcoholism as an "allergy" to alcohol. A man who is addicted to a certain substance may be fine and upstanding in other ways. He may even possess remarkable willpower. As The Big Book puts it, "in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though it often remains strong in other respects." The addict is like a man with pneumonia; the fact of his illness doesn't actually bear on his strength or character in matters outside of his illness.
As such, addiction differs from other areas of egoic dominance in important ways. As one example, AA suggests that a true addict will be unable to ever use the substance in question in a moderate way. A true alcoholic will be unable to ever drink alcohol without losing control and imbibing too much (as The Big Book puts it, "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic"). This is not how egoic dominance works in other areas. Most of us expect (justifiably) that if we have an egoic attachment to, say, dating, then once we dispense with the attachment we will be able to date in a healthy and spiritual way.
Despite these differences, we believe that there are key similarities between a person in the throes of addiction and a person who is egoically dominated in other ways. By observing these differences, we can learn important insights that will help us identify moments in our own lives where we may be letting our ego run the show.
In order to make our analysis more concrete, we'll be looking at addiction and egoic dominance through the lens of The Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings is about many things, but one of its major themes is addiction. By looking at the pull that the One Ring exerts on Bilbo, Frodo, and Sméagol, we'll learn crucial insights about how egoic dominance can look in our own lives. By looking at the themes of grace and redemption that Tolkien weaves through his work, we'll also see how no-one is beyond redemption and how moments of egoic dominance do not define us.
This analysis won't describe every facet of the ego, and by extension it won't describe every reason that egoic dominance is destructive. In the interests of time and space, we will restrict ourselves to identifying two key facets of egoic dominance and how those facets can negatively affect ourselves, our relationships, and society at large. When it comes to spiritual understanding, therefore, this piece is a starting point, not an ending point.
The first key is that addiction is compulsive. This is, to be fair, a little bit tautological. The definition of an addiction is something that you can't stop doing even if you want to. We see this powerfully illustrated in The Lord of the Rings. When Bilbo is leaving Bag End, he has no problem giving up his house and all of his worldly possessions. But giving up the One Ring is harder. Even when Gandalf exhorts him and persuades him that it is necessary, the One Ring plays a trick on Bilbo. He is planning to leave Bag End for good, thinking that he left the Ring on the mantelpiece; only for Gandalf to warn him that the Ring is still in his pocket. Not until Gandalf confronts Bilbo, with all the combined power of an Istari and a decades-long friendship, does Bilbo tremble and cry and finally give up the One Ring.
The One Ring exerts an even greater pull on Frodo. In The Return of the King, he has finally reached the cracks of Mount Doom; where the ring was forged, the one place that it can be destroyed. Frodo has risked life and limb over and over again to get the One Ring to this place. He knows that the fate of Middle Earth hangs in the balance. If he does not cast the One Ring into the fire, then surely Sauron will find it, reclaim it, and cover all the land in darkness. But even knowing this, he cannot give it up; and Middle Earth is only saved by the chance of Sméagol biting off Frodo's ringed finger and then falling himself into the lava of Mount Doom.
Egoic dominance occurs on a sliding scale. All of us have things that pull at us, habits or even thought patterns that we struggle to break. Moreover, remember that the choice to identify with our egos or our Spirit happens on a moment-by-moment basis. The most Enlightened person on the planet is not identified with his Spirit 100% of the time.
In moments when we're egoically dominated, we often feel like our egos are dragging us around by the privates. Our egos are the ones making the decisions, and all we can do is wait for the storm to pass.
If you find yourself doing something (whether it's playing video games or watching porn or scrolling social media) when you know that doing something else would be more joyful, more soul-satisfying, and more in line with your true purpose…in those moments, that's ego.
The second key about addiction is that the person who gives in to his addiction is never satiated. The itch is scratched, but not in a way that removes the itch. Rather, just like a mosquito bite, the harder we scratch the more it itches.
When you're in the throes of an addiction, the longed-for satisfaction is always on the other side of the next hit. This is true no matter how many hits you take. When Julian was addicted to pornography, no matter how much porn he watched, satisfaction was always elusive. It was just around the corner. His ego kept moving the goalposts: watch this movie and you'll be satisfied. Oh, that didn't work? Then watch this other movie. Then this other movie.
Addiction makes promises, but the promises are lies. The promise is always: "If I just give in in this one way, then I'll finally be satisfied." But the promised satisfaction never comes.
We see this with Sméagol and his relationship with the One Ring. He spends the entire trilogy desperately trying to get the One Ring back. But in The Hobbit, he had it. He had everything—the one thing—that his addiction told him in the trilogy would make him happy. But was he happy? Was he satisfied? No. He was living out a miserable existence in a cave, ranting at himself and full of self-loathing. In The Fellowship of the Ring, Gandalf tells Frodo that during this time Sméagol "hated it and loved it [the One Ring], as he hated and loved himself."
The ego is the "hungry ghost." If in any given moment you find yourself chasing fulfillment and convinced that you'll find it on the other side of the next promotion/relationship/purchase/porn binge…that's ego.
One of the strongest themes of The Lord of the Rings is the idea of grace and redemption. No-one is beyond redemption, and no-one is undeserving of grace. Even Sméagol has his redeemed moments. Sometimes he is plotting to stab Frodo in the back and get back the One Ring, but other times he is deeply loyal to Frodo and sincerely wants to do the right thing. The movies get at this distinction in The Two Towers, when Sméagol (the redeemed and kindly true self) and Gollum (the vicious and self-centered false self) face off. In a memorable scene, Sméagol tells Gollum, "leave now and never come back." Gollum departs (albeit temporarily) and Sméagol becomes a different and redeemed person.
In the same way, none of us is 100% egoically dominated or 0% egoically dominated. The world is not split into egoically dominated people and Enlightened people. Each of us has a choice, in every single moment, of how we choose to identify. The point of this blog is not to shame anyone for spending time in an ego-dominated state. That would be hypocritical, since we three authors are also far from perfect. The point is to show us sign posts that will help us to see when we're acting from an ego-dominated place.
It is also important to note that spending time in an ego-dominated place does not define us. It may be unhealthy, but we commit a grave spiritual error when we go from "being in this state is unhealthy" to "being in this state defines me." To say that being in an ego-dominated place defines us would be to say that Frodo should be defined only by his failure to give up the One Ring at the end, and not by the courage and self-sacrifice that got him to Mount Doom in the first place. The ego is a false self, and no matter how much time we spend identified with it, it cannot ever define us. Only our true self can do that (this is why we refer to Sméagol as "Sméagol" rather than as "Gollum". "Gollum" is his false self. "Sméagol" is his true self, and therefore the only name that can truly define him).
Nonetheless, it is a bad idea to act from an egoically-dominated place. Why? There are many reasons, but we offer two in line with the themes that we've outlined above.
First, when we spend time in an egoically dominated state, we are hurting our own life. We're stuck on the "hedonic treadmill" and buying things that we don't need (and that our higher self doesn't even really want). In these moments, we're allocating our scarce resources, not towards ultimate fulfillment or deeper joy, but towards trying to win an egoic game that cannot, by its nature, ever be won. We're chasing fame and fortune thinking that they will bring us inner peace.
Or we spend time hiding out. We can waste time on activities that don't matter, instead of pursuing the ones that do. We can doomscroll social media and watch porn and veg out (or go for long runs and spend days in the mountains if that's your drug of choice. The problem is not specific XYZ behaviors. The problem is when we indulge in a behavior for the wrong reasons.) instead of doing the things that would satisfy our souls. We can spend time on Twitter instead of with our kids, or playing video games instead of going on a date night with our spouse.
But even more importantly, when we spend time in an egoically-dominated state, we hurt those around us. Our actions have ripple effects. When we stay at a cushy job we don't like, instead of making the leap into finding our true purpose, we indirectly hurt all of the people we could be helping if we were living into that purpose. When we doomscroll on Twitter instead of being with our kids, we deprive them of the loving parental presence that they need. When we work late to buy a boat that we think will finally make us happy, we neglect the real relationships in our lives—hurting not only ourselves but also the other people in those relationships.
When enough of us do this, the negative impact can extend far beyond our own lives. We can actually make the bonds of community fray. We can move from a healthy, happy, and vibrant society, towards a society dominated by chasing the wrong things or hiding out. That sounds a lot like the society that most of us feel stuck in in 2024.
So what can we do about it? We can't heal society, but we can heal ourselves. We can't save the world, but we can make our bed. As an old story, attributed to a monk in the 1300s, goes:
“When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.
"I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.
"When I found I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn’t change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.
"Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”
If we want to heal a society that spends too much time (which is to say, any time at all) in the grip of ego, the best place to start is by working on ourselves.
Unlike the One Ring, the ego cannot be destroyed. Indeed, it is foolish to try. But our egos can be tamed. We can reduce our ego's dominance over us in any given moment, and instead learn to put God/Spirit/Source/our highest self in charge of our egos.
The way to do this represents another area of overlap between addiction and other forms of egoic dominance. In The Big Book, the authors offer two pieces of wisdom that we think are applicable to every human being. The first is to turn our lives over to God. Step 3 in the 12-step program reads: "Ma[k]e a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we underst[an]d Him." Just as egoic dominance can crowd out God in any given moment, so faithfully following God (or Spirit, Source, etc) can crowd out egoic dominance.
The second is to let go of selfishness and instead focus on a life of service. As the authors put it, "Selfishness—self-centeredness" is "the root of our troubles." Our egos are inherently self-obsessed. As Eckhart Tolle notes, the ego creates "a sense of separation": "Here's me and there's the rest of the universe and other people." "The ego," he warns, "likes to emphasize the 'otherness' of others." When we devote ourselves to service towards others, we erode this sense of separation and reduce the ego's dominance over us.
The ego makes a terrible master but a truly wondrous servant. And when we decide in any given moment to live life from our true self rather than a place of ego, we feel like Frodo after the One Ring has been cast into the fires of Mount Doom. A huge weight has been lifted off of us and in this moment we are free to take our life in whatever direction we consciously choose.