The Dad Deficit: Why It Matters and How to Fix It
A few months ago, Brookings Institute economist and leader of the Boys and Men Project Richard Reeves argued that modern men are struggling. He points out that men are lagging behind women in college degrees, that male-dominated fields are shrinking, and that there's a growing "dad deficit"--a growing number of boys and girls are growing up without a healthy, stable father.
As a men's coaching organization, this topic is obviously very important to us. The fact is that men are struggling, and part of our mission as an organization is to help them. But at The Undaunted Man, we also focus strongly on being (to borrow a phrase from the Foundation Against Intolerance and Racism) pro-human. We recognize that men and women are deeply connected, and that if either is to truly thrive than we both need to thrive.
What Is the Dad Deficit?
Simply put, the "dad deficit" means that fewer and fewer children are being raised with present fathers. Reeves notes that "1 in 4 fathers don't live with their children." This number is even higher if the parents go through a divorce, because custody laws and rulings tend to favor mothers over fathers. 1 in 3 children whose parents split up don't see their father at all after a few years. What this means is that an increasing number of boys are being raised without healthy male role models.
Problems Caused by the Dad Deficit
If we as a society try to make all girls behave like men, then that would be terrible. It would be equally terrible to try to raise all boys to behave like women. Either one would go against our innate biology. The fact is that girls need male role models AND female role models in order to learn how to be a healthy and successful woman. In the same way, boys need both healthy masculine role models and healthy feminine role models in order to learn how to be a healthy and successful man. The "dad deficit" thus hurts both boys and girls, by depriving them of one-half of the healthy energy that they need in order to grow into a healthy and fully-realized individual.
However, while both boys and girls suffer from the absence of a healthy father figure, the evidence suggests that boys suffer more. A woman cannot teach a boy how to be a man, which means that boys especially need healthy father figures. This is one reason that Reeves notes that, "boys in families that don't have a father presence suffer much more than girls." When boys lack a healthy male role model, they suffer more academically and in the labor force, which can make this form of male disadvantage into an intergenerational weight for boys to carry.
If the "dad deficit" continues to rise, than we will probably see the suicide rate for boys continue to rise as well. The suicide rate for men and boys is already far higher than it is for girls and women. In 2019, men were 373 percent more likely to kill themselves than women were. Boys age 15-19 are 331 percent more likely to kill themselves as are girls in the same age group. One reason is the lack of healthy dads in many boys’ lives. Boys need someone who can help them channel their masculinity in healthy ways, help them understand themselves, and help them find their purpose and live into their edge. In the absence of this help, many boys end up adrift, lost–and looking for a way out. One study, that looked at almost 1 million children over the course of a decade, found that boys who lived with one parent were over three times more likely to kill themselves or try to kill themselves versus boys who lived with both parents.
For the same reason, if the "dad deficit" continues to rise, than we should expect to see rates of drug addiction and opioid use continue to rise as well, worsening the opioid epidemic. When boys don't have a strong, healthy role model to teach them how to be a man, they're much more likely to spin out. When they lack a role model who can help them find and develop their purpose, they are more likely to feel numb and empty–and to try fill that emptiness with drugs and alcohol. A comprehensive study from Sweden found that children in one-parent homes are about twice as likely to develop addiction later in life versus children in two-parent homes.
Similarly, the lack of healthy and available fathers may increase rates of poverty and homelessness. According to a report by the Institute for Family Studies, "Children are significantly more likely to avoid poverty and prison, and to graduate from college, if they are raised in an intact two-parent family." This is true of boys, but it's also true of girls. The fact is that, just as both boys and girls need a strong and healthy mother to model feminine energy, every child also needs a strong and healthy father to model masculine energy. Trying to raise a child with only one is like trying to create a bird with only one wing–it's not going to fly very far.
The "dad deficit" may also lead to higher levels of sexual misbehavior, including sexual assault and more unwanted pregnancies. When boys aren't taught by healthy men how to treat a women in a good way, about consent, and about how to communicate with women, they are more likely to see women as objects or as people they can simply take advantage of for sex or temporary pleasure.
The "dad deficit" also contributes to the continued decline in our society of couples who get married and have children. Birth rates in the United States have plummeted over the past several decades. According to the authors of a new report, "Between 1976 and 2018, the mean number of children ever born per woman declined, from three children to two." At the same time, marriage rates–and especially the rates of happy marriage–are falling. This isn't a political point; it's evolutionary biology. Having children is a requirement for our species if we want to continue to exist in the next 100 years, and a loving union between two committed parents is the best way to have and raise those children.
All of this is also likely to increase the divorce rate. When more boys are raised without healthy male role models, they're less likely to have the testicular fortitude to stick it out with their woman when things get rough. When boys are raised with an absent father, they're more likely to think that they don't need to be there for their woman when parenting gets hard–after all, their dad wasn't there for them. All of this is likely to create more divorce down the line, perpetuating an intergenerational cycle of absent fathers and messed-up boys who are less likely to understand and embody healthy masculinity.
One point bears repeating: the "dad deficit" is terrible for girls as well as for boys. Children raised in single-parent households suffer compared to those raised in two-parent households, and on many issues the data isn't meaningfully different for boys versus girls. And, a generation of adult-shaped boys who don't know how to love and treat a woman, or how to stick it out when things get hard, is unlikely to be good news for girls and women. The fact is that we are all in this together. Men and women aren't locked in a zero-sum power struggle where one gender can only win if the other side loses. When we have fewer healthy and present dads, both boys and girls end up losing out.
Fixing the Dad Deficit
So how do we fix the dad deficit? Four solutions come to mind:
We Need to Help Men Find the Right Partner
First, as a society, we need to teach men (and boys) how to find the right partner. A lot of men pick the wrong woman, and the relationship spirals from there; the man can end up leaving after he has children with her, or simply sticking it out but not being a full and present partner and father. At the Undaunted Man, we help men to figure out who they are. We help them find their identity and purpose, which can help the man figure out whether or not a certain woman is a good fit for him. Men who feel alone and adrift are more prone to hopping in bed (or into marriage) with the first woman who offers them companionship. By helping men get to the core of who they are, we can help them get clarity on who the best partner for them could be, to facilitate them finding that person. This can dramatically increase the odds that they will not only stay with that partner but will also spend their lives as a full and present spouse and father.
We Need to Help Men Understand Women
It's also important to help men understand women (and vice versa!) in order to optimize relationship success while cutting down on avoidable relationship problems. When men interact with their partners the way they interact with other men, communication breaks down and both sides become miserable. That increases the odds that one or both partners will leave. But, when you understand how your woman thinks and the differences between masculine and feminine energy, you can navigate conflict and potential problems much more easily. You can learn how to communicate effectively with your partner, and how to listen to her, without sacrificing your integrity. That leads to a more harmonious relationship for both of you. When both partners are in harmony, the odds of divorce and of children being raised in broken homes decline dramatically.
At The Undaunted Man, we help men to understand evolutionary biology so that they can better distinguish poor behavior versus natural biology in their partner and in themselves. We offer a diverse reading list for men on this topic, with something for men of any spiritual background and persuasion.
We Need to Help Men Be Fully Present
It's also important to help men to be fully present. Being a present father and partner is about more than just physical presence; it's about being there for your son or daughter, about making time for them beyond the demands of your career, and about turning off electronics and giving them your undivided attention. When children have two fully present parents, they prosper. When they don't have that, they struggle–even if both partners are technically present in the household.
As part of this, The Undaunted Man teaches men to tap into and strengthen their masculine essence and leadership. This benefits them, their partners, and their sons (sons, especially, need healthy masculine leadership to be modeled to them). We also teach men how to develop their own emotional intelligence and resilience. We teach them to have a healthy relationship with their emotions and to get out of their own heads. This helps them to manage conflict with their woman and children more effectively, which can reduce the odds of divorce.
Dads Need the Company and Wisdom of Other Dads
Finally, a lot of new or soon-to-be dads are excited to be fathers…but also terrified. For many men, no-one taught them how to be a good father; consequently, they have no idea how to be a good dad to their own children and often end up winging it. For these men, a men's group of fellow dads is essential. Dads with grown (or nearly grown) children can provide a wealth of wisdom and knowledge about how to raise healthy sons and daughters. Newer and more recent dads are also helpful in these groups; they understand the obstacles that kids today are facing, understand what resources are available that may not have been available ten years ago, and have sharper memories of what it's like to raise a newborn or toddler.
At The Undaunted Man, we offer multiple men's groups for new and experienced fathers. If you would like to join one, reach out today.
The "dad deficit" took decades to create, and it will not be fixed overnight. But like most problems, this one is best solved at the level of the individual. If you want to be a fully present father and model healthy masculine energy for your children, we offer 1-on-1 men's coaching as well as a variety of men's groups. Reach out today.