Principle: The Importance of Engagement
What Is Engagement?
For the Undaunted Man, engagement means actively choosing to be present as much as possible. It means leaning into relationships, activities, and situations that are going to grow you and make you truly uncomfortable. It means finding your edge and living there.
Engagement thus consists of two parts: being present and living on your edge.
Being Present
True engagement with the world can only happen in the Now. You cannot engage with the future, because it does not exist yet; and it is futile to try to engage with the past. To fully engage means becoming what spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle calls the watcher, the knower, or the observer. It means being aware of your own ego; and, as a necessary corollary, becoming aware in each moment that you are not your ego.
It means embodying the "timeless state of intense conscious presence in the Now" that Tolle describes in The Power of Now. That is engagement. Most men are only fully engaged with the world for short periods of time, interrupted by long stretches of ego dominance or unconsciousness. Ideally, however, a man should be engaged with life every waking moment.
Leo Babauta, author of the Zen Habits blog, puts it this way: we need to "pour ourselves completely into the present task." This is the most powerful way to be in the world. According to Babauta:
"Being present becomes, then, a way to handle any problem, any distraction, any stressor. It allows everything else to fade away, leaving only you and whatever you’re dealing with right now."
Living On Your Edge
Here's how David Deida, spiritual teacher and author of The Way of the Superior Man, puts it:
"In any given moment, a man’s growth is optimized if he leans just beyond his edge, his capacity, his fear. He should not be too lazy, happily stagnating in the zone of security and comfort. Nor should he push far beyond his edge, stressing himself unnecessarily, unable to metabolize his experience. He should lean just slightly beyond the edge of fear and discomfort. Constantly. In everything he does."
The Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius puts it more bluntly: "Have I been made for this, to lie under the blankets and keep myself warm?"
When you are fully engaged, you are living on your edge 24/7. You are immersed in the world. There is no room for hiding or dishonesty - towards yourself or towards anyone else. You are bringing the full extent of your spiritual gifts to bear in the world and in your relationships.
If you are bringing such true engagement – genuine presence and living on your edge – to every part of your life, then a certain way of being can’t help but be cultivated. At its best it will require radical honesty.
The Importance of Being Part of A Tribe
When you feel stuck, full engagement means engaging with other people that you trust (for example, an Undaunted men's group or a men's coach) and rolling up your sleeves. It means diving into the issue and working to resolve it, with the right support.
The reason it's so important to have a tribe around you - if you want to be fully engaged - is that very few men have the real desire to do this difficult and intensive work solo. When you get stuck, it can be very hard to see your own blindspots or the underlying cause of your stuckness. When you don't see your blindspots, it can be easy to stay stuck. A tribe of men surrounding you can help you to identify what's going wrong in your life and where you're not bringing your full presence and engagement, so that you can remedy the situation in a way that supports you FULLY becoming the man you truly want to be in EVERY part of your life.
Engagement and Action
True engagement requires some form of action – but not just any action will suffice. It must be the right action.
Here we need to pause to elucidate a core spiritual truth that we recognize at The Undaunted Man.
Inside of you are two selves. You can call them your higher self and your lower self, your ego and your Spirit, God (or Jesus) and your flesh, or any other terminology that fits you. In his international bestseller The Inner Game of Tennis, Tim Gallaway refers to these two selves as Self 1 and Self 2. We use this terminology at The Undaunted Man, due to its simplicity and the lack of spiritual baggage associated with either term.
Self 1 is the ego-mind. It is the part of you that thinks, that rationalizes, that keeps six thoughts swirling in your head at any one time. It is the part of you that judges, criticizes, and obsesses over past and future.
Self 2 is the part of you that truly knows how to live. It is the connection to the divine inside of you. It knows everything, sees everything, and understands everything on an intuitive level. It is the source of "beauty, love, creativity, joy, [and] inner peace" (Tolle, The Power of Now).
Here's how Tolle describes the difference between Self 1 (the mind) and Self 2 (Being):
"Just as the sun is infinitely brighter than a candle flame, there is infinitely more intelligence in Being than in your mind."
Former CIA agent and Christian pastor Jamie Winship offers a talk on the incredible intelligence of Self 2 (which he calls God), and the power of following that intelligence in your own life.
Men sometimes think that engagement means taking endless action from a place of Self 1, but this is a delusion. It is a smokescreen of Doing activity unsourced from Being. True activity comes from a place of Being first.
True engagement involves taking action from the Self 2 part of us.
Here's how to tell the difference.
Action from a place of self 1 involves:
- Pulling back
- Numbing or vegging out
- Escaping
- Being passive
From a spiritual perspective, Self 1 action is passive even if it involves some sort of physical activity. Playing Halo can give you a vigorous thumb workout, but if you're doing it to hide out from your relationship problems, then it's still not true engagement.
Action from a place of Self 2 involves:
- Exhilaration
- Leaning in
- Feeling noticeably energized
- A resonance with your purpose
- Being consciously active
Again, from a spiritual perspective, self 2 action represents engagement even if it involves no physical activity. Meditating often involves sitting in one place, sometimes for long periods; but as long as you're doing it to be fully present to the moment and live on your edge, you ARE engaging.
What Does Engagement Actually Look Like?
In every single aspect of your life, the core of engagement looks the same. It means taking 100% responsibility for how you are experiencing life day-to-day.
This does not mean adopting an external locus of control or developing an egoic attachment to external outcomes. Instead, it means embodying the idea that Viktor Frankl, psychologist and survivor of Auschwitz internment camp, wrote about in his book Man's Search For Meaning:
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
Your internal landscape is your experience of life. If your external outcomes are awful, you can still find joy and peace through a deep connection to Self 2. Conversely, many men whose external circumstances are enviable nevertheless live in abject misery, because they cannot escape the hall of mirrors between their ears. True engagement means taking responsibility, every moment of every day, for how you experience your life.
Engagement also means meeting challenges directly. When a situation challenges you, the engaged man meets that situation head-on, rather than letting it bowl him over.
Engagement At Work
When you are fully engaged at work, you interact with your job as though it's a direct extension of you and you're going to give it your absolute best as often as possible. Whatever your job is, you treat it as though it was given to you by Spirit, your highest self, or however you describe your spiritual Source. The engaged man is never lazy or passive at work. He never lets himself off the hook.
At work, the engaged man practices what former Navy SEAL Commander Jocko Willink calls Extreme Ownership. Extreme Ownership is the idea that "leaders must own everything in their world. There is no one else to blame." It means taking full responsibility for outcomes and for the success of a project.
Again, this does not mean developing an external locus of control or getting egoically attached to specific outcomes. Rather, it means embodying a certain mindset: there are no excuses, and there is no-one to blame if things go wrong. No matter what happens, the buck stops with you.
When you are truly engaged, what you do at work is an expression of who you are. To be a fully engaged man, you must be present and on your edge at all times at work, whether you are a janitor or a CEO; the exact same way that you remain (or should remain) present and on your edge during your meditation practice or on date nights with your romantic partner.
Engagement In Relationships
In your relationship with your significant other, engagement looks like being fully present to her and to her needs*. It looks like leading her. This does not mean bulldozing her desires or stepping on her needs. It actually means the opposite. It means being fully present to her so that you can anticipate her needs and meet them before she ever has to ask you. It means embodying the original concept of the Servant Leader.
Engagement in a relationship looks like always being her safe harbor. It looks like keeping her safe physically; being aware of any danger and ready to neutralize any threat that may come up in order to protect her from harm. It looks like keeping her safe psychologically and emotionally. It looks like being psychologically bulletproof, so that she can feel and express her emotions while taking absolute comfort in your ability to not be rocked by her. Or as Deida puts it, you should embody
"Shiva, the divine masculine: unperturbable, totally loving, fully present, and all-pervading. She (your woman) cannot move you, because you already are what you are, with or without her. She cannot scare you away, because you already penetrate her in fearless love, pervading her heart and body. She cannot distract you, because your one-pointed commitment to truth will not bend to her wiles. Feeling this hugeness of love and freedom in you, she can trust you, utterly, and surrender her testing in celebration of love."
In his book The Masculine In Relationship, GS Youngblood suggests that there are three core components to cultivating masculine energy in the context of a relationship:
- Respond vs React
- Provide Structure
- Create Safety
(If you would like to read a deep-dive into the masculine in relationship that draws from Youngblood and goes deeper into all 3 core components that he cites, we recommend our foundational document on the masculine in relationship)
True engagement in a relationship looks like absolute presence and the kind of bulletproof presence and smarts that she can always trust to take care of her needs both physically and psychologically.
*It’s important to note that - while we refer to men and women in this blog, and throughout our Substack and on our site - we are more precisely referring to masculine and feminine ENERGY. If your partner has a lot of feminine energy, then our recommendations & advice will apply whether they are male or female. Similarly, if you want to hone in on your masculine energy, we can help you whatever your sexual orientation. As you read, feel free to substitute in whatever sexual orientations & descriptions best fit your life.
Engagement As A Parent
Engagement as a parent involves a deep listening to your children. It involves working to identify over time who they are (and who they are becoming) rather than merely seeing who you wish they were.
As part of this, the engaged father is fully present with his kids when he's with them. He's not with them 24/7; but when he is with them, they can rest secure that they have his absolute and undivided attention. He is not on his cell phone, or still thinking about work or other distractions. He listens to them with curiosity, seeking to learn about them rather than thinking that he already knows everything about them.
The engaged father also helps them cultivate resilience. This is a core function of the masculine in parenting. The feminine* seeks to nurture children, to protect them, and to keep them safe. This is an important role, but equally important is for the children to develop a sense of resilience.
Here's how 13th-century poet and spiritual teacher Rumi put it in his poem "The Core of Masculinity:"
Your old grandmother says, “Maybe you shouldn’t
go to school. You look a little pale.”
Run when you hear that.
A father’s stern slaps are better.
Modern psychology is increasingly recognizing the importance of helping children develop resilience as they grow. In The Coddling of the American Mind, renowned social psychologist Jonathan Haidt and president of the Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression Greg Lukianoff note that children need to face "thousands of small challenges, risks, and adversities…in order to become strong and resilient adults." As a father, you can give your children the gift of helping them cultivate resilience.
Encourage your children to take age-appropriate risks. This doesn't mean kicking your 6-year-old out the door and telling him to get a job. But it might mean encouraging your child to enroll in martial arts and try for their next belt, or take a hard class, knowing that they'll need to struggle to earn an A, or go off to summer camp alone even though you know they'll miss their mom and dad.
If the risks they take don't pan out (and, if you're letting your child take enough truly age-appropriate risks), a fair number will not pan out), then don't try to protect them from the consequences. Instead, acknowledge them, praise them for taking the risk in the first place, and invite them to think about what they would do differently if they were to take the risk again. Teach them to dust themselves off, cry if they need to, and get back on the proverbial horse.
Ultimately, the engaged father listens to his paternal, masculine instincts. He goes all-in on those things that he knows that only a father can do.
*It's important to note that not all women are feminine, just as not all men are masculine; we are all a mix of both, and the precise ratio of masculine:feminine energy varies person to person.
Increasing Your Level of Engagement With the World
In this life, you only have the time that you have. Would you rather watch your life happen, or do you want to do all that you can to create it as the best life that you could possibly strive for?
If you want to be more fully engaged with life, reach out and ask us about our men's groups and one-on-one men's coaching.
A note on authorship: Mark and Geoff are the relationship and men's coaches at The Undaunted Man, and all ideas in this piece are theirs. Julian is a professional author, and simply plays the Stephen Dubner to their Steven Levitt (i.e. writing their ideas down). When we refer to "our clients" in the piece, we are referring to clients of Mark and Geoff.